my life has been so hectic for the past couple months. on april nineteenth, i met the most amazing man ever. he treated me like a queen. we dated for a month and a half. i found out i was pregnant on may twenty-sixth. he passed away on june third. this has been one of the hardest things i've gone through in my entire life. he showed me the meaning of true love. i fell asleep next to him with my head on his chest every night for a month and a half. i woke up to his smiling face every morning for a month and a half. the one weekend i was visiting my family in wisconsin, he passed away.
i've hit rock bottom and don't foresee myself getting back up any time soon. i cry myself to sleep every night. i wake up several times a night thinking he'll be laying right next to me. when i finally realize that he's not, i cry myself to sleep. i don't want to get out of bed most mornings because i don't think i'll have enough strength to make it through the day. i hurt emotionally, physically, and mentally. every day, i get so exhausted from lack of sleep and using what little energy i have trying not to break down.
it'll be a month without him on tuesday, july third.
i'm usually not one to show my emotions, unless it's happiness or anger. this would be the exception. everyone knows that i'm broken now. i don't want to date again, i don't want to get married, i don't even want to look for a guy. i know that no man will ever compare to my boyfriend.
people always tell me to follow my heart, but when my heart is broken into a billion different pieces, which piece am i supposed to follow? i have yet to find the answer to that question, or any questions about this situation that i've had. nobody knows exactly how to react to me, if they should give me a hug, talk to me about my boyfriend passing, or if they should just try to ignore the entire thing.. but ignoring the situation at hand is like trying to ignore a giant elephant sitting in the room. eventually it'll be brought up and i'll be in tears.
to be honest, i really don't know what to do, where to go, or anything much for that matter anymore. all i know is that i miss him and i want him back.
i just want one more kiss on my forehead. i just want one more night to fall asleep with my head on his chest and his arms wrapped around me, listening to his snoring and heartbeat. i just want one more morning of waking up to his bright smiling face. i just want one more memory with him. and if i could have that one more night, one more morning, one more kiss, one more anything, i would wish for that one more time to never end. i know i'll never get that one more anything ever again, but i can't help it.
i ask god why he has taken my angel away from me. i ask him why he has taken one of the most important people in my life. i know god needed another angel and he only takes the best, but he was my angel. he kept me sane, between parents, work, and the world.
i need closure. i need someone to talk to outside of family and friends. i need my boyfriend back. our child will never know their daddy because he passed far too young. he was only eighteen. there are things that my baby will want to do with him and i won't be able to do those things.
i just want him back. i need him back. i love him with my heart and soul, everything i have. i would give anything to bring him back, but i know i won't get him back. i'll just have to wait until it's my time to meet with god. then i'll see him waiting for me at the pearly gates. i know he'll give me the biggest bear hug and kiss that he's capable of and we'll just be together.
i love you, gregory michael, forever and ever. until the end of time. i love you.
